The professor said it's not good to brood. That it makes the world needlessly colorless. He's right no doubt. It doesn't do me any good.
It's remarkable how unremarkable I am. I don't matter to anyone. I can't matter to anyone. Not me as I am. Only the me that I show to them.
I walked to the university library today. Early in the morning.
I climbed up the stairs to the fourth floor, my ankles aching all the way. I could feel my terror hop with every step. What was it I feared? The past? The future? The present? Or did I simply fear that I did not know what I was afraid of?
I reached my destination, and I saw darkness. Sweet, sweet darkness. You told me I was alone there, that I could hide there, find bliss there. Then came the light. Oh, how profoundly horrifying! Seas of shelves, a universe of texts! Thousands, millions, billions, trillions, far too many for the human mind to count! The weight of infinity ground my bones to dust, leaving nothing but terror and the sharp reminder of my own finitude.
The beauty of it, you say? Would you call the panther handsome when it chases you for meat? Beauty, beauty, yes indeed, but beauty which could not be fathomed, beauty which was treacherous and predatory, beauty which sought to kill and announced that I was the victim. So many choices, so many futile, so few of any worth! An academy for Plato, a history for Hegel, a hell for Kierkegaard and temple for Nietzsche! Oh, what a curse to be free! It is beautiful and deadly, present and infinite!
The professor said it's not good the brood. Did he say anything about fear? I'm uncertain. All the more there is to be afraid of.
It's remarkable how unremarkable I am. I don't matter to anyone. I can't matter to anyone. Not me as I am. Only the me that I show to them.
I walked to the university library today. Early in the morning.
I climbed up the stairs to the fourth floor, my ankles aching all the way. I could feel my terror hop with every step. What was it I feared? The past? The future? The present? Or did I simply fear that I did not know what I was afraid of?
I reached my destination, and I saw darkness. Sweet, sweet darkness. You told me I was alone there, that I could hide there, find bliss there. Then came the light. Oh, how profoundly horrifying! Seas of shelves, a universe of texts! Thousands, millions, billions, trillions, far too many for the human mind to count! The weight of infinity ground my bones to dust, leaving nothing but terror and the sharp reminder of my own finitude.
The beauty of it, you say? Would you call the panther handsome when it chases you for meat? Beauty, beauty, yes indeed, but beauty which could not be fathomed, beauty which was treacherous and predatory, beauty which sought to kill and announced that I was the victim. So many choices, so many futile, so few of any worth! An academy for Plato, a history for Hegel, a hell for Kierkegaard and temple for Nietzsche! Oh, what a curse to be free! It is beautiful and deadly, present and infinite!
The professor said it's not good the brood. Did he say anything about fear? I'm uncertain. All the more there is to be afraid of.
